my first time.

LONG POST

**life update: heeeeeeyyyyy! I know I said two posts a month which was non-existent for the month of May 2017 but I’m back now. The whole two years and eight months of my degree was nothing compared to the last month and a half of it. But thank God, it’s finished now. My last exam was on 9th June and it feels great for it all to be over. Everyone has been saying that I don’t look stressed anymore and that’s a plus (even though I didn’t know I looked stressed in the first place lol).

I write this as I take some alone time in Leeds where I decided to get a tattoo while I’m at it. It is nothing too crazy but I still can’t believe I did it. It was just a thought but now it’s reality and I love it. Anyways, hope you are all well and now…. on to the ACTUAL post.

__________________*__________________

Me.

August Alsina.

KOKO London.

Tuesday 14th June 2016, 7PM GMT.
Exactly one year later and I’m reminiscing on my very first concert and certainly not my last. For years, days and hours I had dreamed of attending a concert and that day definitely came with way more than I expected.

I’ve always been that person who dreams or thinks big things but when it comes to actually doing it, I falter then end up not doing it; adding it to my pile of ‘not-gonna-happens’. But the day that I bought my ticket, I surprised myself and pulled a ‘not-gonna-happen’ from my very heavy pile and actually made it happen. As the day got closer to attending, I was regretting it. One, I’m going by myself and two, I was going to an actual concert, by myself. Need I say the third reason why I was regretting it?

I went by myself because I didn’t really have anyone I could have asked, as I’m sure is already obvious from my previous posts. But I can not lie, it was scary as hell standing in the line waiting to go in. All the other girls were there, either with their man or with their girls, dressed to the damn nines while I was there in my top and jeans. I did try my best with my make up so no insecurities there! even though I wasn’t contoured to the gods like the next girl.

I remember when I finally got in, I brought out my printed ticket from my bag. I even had it in the clear plastic wallet so I wouldn’t get it stained or rumpled. (I probably sound like a joke at this stage but I don’t care, I got to see one of my dream guys, dream bae, one of my favourite singers, my #mce, hear that New Orleans drawl straight from his mouth to my ears and yeah, you get the picture). The ticket guy scanned my ticket and just threw it into a black bin bag beside him and moved onto the next person. I actually wanted to keep the ticket as memorabilia but of course, I didn’t have the nerves to go back and ask him for it. Not to talk of the fact that by the time I had turned back around, he had scanned about 10 people already so my ticket was well and truly gone. But what did the ticket guy care, I was just another person to him after being probably 5 hours into his shift, not knowing the importance it held to me.

I went into the main part of KOKO which lead me to the upstairs standing balcony part and of course, people had already taken their positions and so I could barely see the stage. But I could see that the downstairs part was practically empty so since I was already in the element of surprising myself, I went downstairs regardless of the fact that I didn’t know if my ticket was limited to the balcony part and that I was there by myself so I would be down there like a loner but in that moment, I didn’t care. I just wanted to see August Alsina up close. I made it to the front and right in front of the stage!… but I was literally sitting inside the speaker which rattled my brain but hey, mama I made it! I got there really early and as the crowd was building, the time was getting nearer.

The opening act; ASHA was quite good but you know how it is with the smaller artists, no one is actually here to see them so people were chanting for August, not knowing that he was actually running late until he posted a video on his Snapchat, a few minutes before he was due to perform*major side eye*. His DJ, DJ Era was also playing some good songs to bide August more time.

But when he did finally arrive… man oh man! I was actually starstruck. Not screaming like a tween but starstruck inside that I was ACTUALLY here, by MYSELF, seeing AUGUST damn fine ALSINA. Life could get no better at that point lol. He played all the popular songs from this first album; Testimony but nothing from TTCL – This Thing Called Life even though I already knew all the songs *snap snap*

One thing that will forever stick out to me about that day was that I was standing next to people who had paid whatever amount more than me for their ticket and one girl, a few years younger than me who had come to the concert with her group of friends, who started talking to me. I didn’t mind so we started talking during the break. As expected, we talked about August then she hit me with the dreaded question, she asked if I came with anyone and when I told her no, she had a shocked look on her face before telling me “You’re so brave. I couldn’t come here by myself”. It actually made me even more proud of myself and regret did not live here no mo’! Okay, that’s two things but who’s counting?
I just want to thank August Alsina for an amazing night (even though he decided to leave when I was the third person in line to get a picture with him *another side eye* jokes, I know that I’ll see him again though), for the amazing music and for giving me my first time.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

 

 

If you made it this far, why not take a listen to my acapella cover and leave a comment? You might want to skip to 01:11, listening to the beginning is a bit cringe, sorry. Listen to: thinkaholic96 August Alsina MAMA acapella cover . I’ve been non-existent over there too but now university is over, I’ll bring it back to life soon.

See you on the next thought!

 

 

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the spirit of forgetfulness.

With technology taking over our lives more and more each day, who can forget anything?  We can input important dates or events into a calendar app on our phones that’ll remind us when and where they are, we can save the coordinates of locations of places that we didn’t have enough time to explore but want to, at a later time, profile pictures are now the norm with name and numbers on most instant messaging apps so we don’t enter a real life awkward situation of forgetting names, we can even now look into our fridges and freezers straight from the supermarket aisle so we don’t double buy things we already have.

But yet somehow, we still forget stuff. Most of us now rely on technology so much that our brains are just half idle lumps of matter sitting in our skulls.

But the main reason for this post is that the spirit of forgetfulness seems to follow me everywhere. Yeah, I raise my hands up and say I don’t get my full amount of omega 3 so I forget quite a bit too. Shoot me, I’m human too but feeding off of my last post ‘it’s the little things.‘ people seem to forget me all the time. Let me give you an example.

When I was last in the US, my own uncle (through marriage, don’t know if that makes any difference though) didn’t even recognise me even though I had seen him the previous year when I travelled to the US as well and even stayed at his house for a section of my trip. Out of manners and half excitement, I ran up to him, greeted him and I got the most blank look and generic greeting back. I was searching his eyes and he really didn’t remember who I was. I was internally shocked and walked away with my sunken heart. It was about an hour into the family event, where he came back to me and said I looked completely different hence why he didn’t recognise me. He also added that he doesn’t really remember women when they change their hairstyles unless it’s his wife so I politely laughed it off with him but inside I knew I didn’t look that different and I was quite offended. That made me think back to all the times where I had to remind people of my name at interviews, events and other gatherings at least twice within half an hour.

But all this is counteracted by the few times I am remembered, like when I see my old secondary school classmates around the area in which I live and they’re the ones calling my name out for a change. It’s things like that, that make me happy again because at least I know it can’t ALL be me. I’m so used to being forgotten that it always strikes me when I hear my name on the street and I have a ‘unique’ Nigerian name so it’s never a case of mistaken identity.

Anyway I pray that I can shake this spirit of forgetfulness off of me and soon-ish too. My proper adulting period of life is coming up and networking needs to be done and for that to work, people need to remember my face at least, even if they don’t remember my name.

Any suggestions into how to become memorable are welcomed in the comments 😇. Or is it just a thing that you either have or you don’t? Be sure to let me know what you think below.

Anyways, suggestions are still welcome. Nothing too drastic though e.g. making a trip to Dr Miami and asking for a Kardashian makeover.

Stay blessed and I’ll see you in the next post.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

it’s the little things.

hey, it’s me again. Hope everyone’s good in your hood. So this early morning, the thought that has been circulating my mind lately is ‘the little things’.

By little things, I mean the small details that are overlooked by most, the good morning/night texts, the checking up on you calls, forehead kisses, noticing that I changed my hairstyle, nails are done, skin glowing, letting me know when I have lipstick on my teeth, remembering my favourite sweets, the hugs and the hand squeezes… okay, maybe I watch too many movies but that shouldn’t be an excuse even though I feel like it has become one in today’s day and age. It definitely exists out there and I know it’s real but rare. To me anyways. It doesn’t even have to be of the romantic sort,  even people you call your ‘friends’. When you feel like no one cares, trust me when I say it’s the worst feeling.

The thought that led to this ‘it’s the little things’ thought is that I’ve noticed a reoccurring cycle that I have been going through with people and it goes something like this… I’ll get really close to someone, spill most of my insides so I practically only have my pancreas left, my inner thoughts, my past, current problems then things are alright for a while and I finally think I have found that person who I can trust but nope. I don’t know what happens and then we just naturally drift apart. I don’t know if it’s me or what but it’s happened enough times for me to now notice it. Like, am I that small to be forgotten so easily? Did I really mean that much to them? I know life happens and people drift apart, that’s normal but nuh uh. I believe that I’ve past that ‘normal’ stage. Again, I’m led down another spiral of stairs into thinking whether I’m just that boring, naive of life that no one bothers to keep in contact. Even though I’m someone who has a hell of a lotta love to give, because of these circumstances I’ve been forced to learn how to be content with me, myself and I. It’s still a work in progress but I’ll get there. 

The most recent person who I got close to, had actually been so different. It wasn’t just me spilling tea everywhere, they were too. They would check up on me and everything and it actually felt so good in a heart warming kind of way. So I thought, oh okay…this MIGHT actually be someone who genuinely cares but I was still cautious because Mama didn’t raise no fool. Then something happened as per, and here I am, stranded again.

Bottom line is: humans are complicated.

I ain’t blessed with ‘universally good looks’ so money isn’t and can’t be my objective. Just to find a simple somebody who I can talk to, trust and provide the ‘little things’ is now the issue. Hopefully, they’re out there, hopefully.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

bad luck. 

 

As the title of my blog suggests I think. A LOT. so what better place than here to spill the contents of my brain?

Right now, I am going through another one of these rough patches of mine. It’s either I have bad luck or I am just cursed. I’m starting to believe it’s the latter. I can recall a time when everything was going well for me, I had little to no worries and life was good. Apart from the fact that I was never allowed to go out but things could have been worse.

I remember the exact point when my life, through my own eyes, started to go down hill and that’s when I started college. I had left where I had attended secondary school and was made to go to an independent sixth form basically because my father had seen the previous Oxbridge students this sixth form college had produced and thought it would make one out of me. Honestly, I do regret leaving my secondary school but hey, the way it works in my household, I had no say. Although my younger siblings are breaking these boundaries as I look on thinking I could never do the things they get away with or say the things they say sometimes.

But boy, I did nothing but struggle in college. 5 AS Levels which was probably a big mistake in hindsight, no social life whatsoever, no one to properly talk to because when I tried they didn’t really understand along with the social pressure of trying to fit in. All these among other things all added up to the beginning of feeling depressed. Like why me? I know my life is nowhere near as bad as some but it still sucks, you know?

Then today, it’s like the closer I get to  finishing this degree, the worse it gets. The bad luck is just flowing in surplus. I had been moping about all day, stress eating my way through junk food and people tried to help but it just didn’t work. I start to think if it’s because I complain too much of the situation I’m in as if I am ungrateful when there are people doing the exact same course and they’re just getting on with it. Or is it something else?

I’ve realised that I go through a cycle where there is always a trigger. It’s either something happens to me, I listen to a song that reminds me of something or someone innocently says something which sets me back off into dark territory.  I then log out of my social media accounts or delete the apps (all except WordPress, of course) from my phone and just use that time to think. Then just when I seem to come out of it, I’m hit with anther trigger. I will laugh, joke and smile as much as the next man even though I’m dying inside. I want to be wholly happy but the way life is panning out…pfft.

I’m just praying that this is a phase that I will come out of because its actually grim. I know I’m not meant to be or think like this, it’s just not ME. If anyone has any advice to help break out of this, I’d love that. You can leave it in the comments below and that’s where this thought ends.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

 

Two posts in two days, well dang girl. Do yo’ thang 😂 *wipes forehead*

go best friend! that’s my best friend!

So my last post was a bit meh and although I have loads of days where I feel meh, I do actually have a few good days, even if they are few and far in between…

But tonight I want to talk about friends, best friends or my lack of thereof. I do not have a best friend and it is something that weighs on my mind VERY heavily that it sucks, so bad that it feels like nobody cares. I know that we were born alone so we die alone, trust no one, la di dah di dah but it actually SUCKS!

It sucks not having someone to talk to, it sucks not having someone who I can share life experiences and goals with, it sucks not having someone who you can be your complete self around, it sucks not having someone who you can call at 1AM to talk about absolutely nothing with or text with a guaranteed reply within the next 24 hours. I know everyone is human and has their own lives so this makes me sound selfish but damn, a girl can dream. Right?

I am a strong believer in ‘I’ve gotta see it to believe it’. It’s all good throwing a couple of words around but if you don’t pull through, then what’s the point? Someone will tell me that they’re here for me, whenever I need them but are you really tho? (shoot, if they were I probably wouldn’t have started this blog). I am quite a literal person when it comes to certain things, especially that phrase of ‘I’m here for you’, and is it a crime to expect the same thing from someone else? If it is, please let me know because I’ll need to change a few, okay maybe a lot, of things. And of course, I’m not expecting to dump my psychological mess on someone and that’s it, I could go to a therapist for that but I’m a great listener and would be honoured if someone felt I was good enough to listen to them.

I am probably a fantasist, dreamer, naive whatever you want to label it as but as I said in my last post, once you show me a little bit of care or empathy I will most likely pour out whatever is bothering me at that time to you but I always end up with the same results – nobody. But maybe that’s my fault, I keep letting people in and expecting a specific response from them. Maybe I need to lower my expectations but that is way easier said than done.

I just seem to go through the same cycle with people and each time I tell myself to never open up to anyone again until I am sure that I can. But a countless number of people later, here I am wondering why I even bother. It would have been safer and better keeping my problem(s) within my tangled web of thoughts. Although now, I am not going to lie, I have toughened up a bit through these experiences and I promise before you and me, not to waste my time trying to force a friendship with someone until they show that I can trust in them. Until then, it’ll just be me and these blog pages.

Have a blessed day and see you on the next post.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo


Hey, how you doing? I would love to hear about your experiences with friends and even if you have one of these God sent best friends, I promise that I won’t get jealous lol. Leave a comment below, I don’t bite 🙂

clinginess bordering on weirdo/creepiness.

okay, that’s a bit of a 😶 title. I know. But it’s something that I’m plagued by.

I write a diary – which is another attempt of me getting my thoughts and feelings out – on days I remember to anyways. And I decided to read back a few days and noticed I keep mentioning one person over and over again. God forbid they ever find this diary, I will actually dig myself a hole for me to crawl into and not come out of for at least six months.

I am the kind of person who needs assurance and I’m proud to admit it. Not everyone can be confident, carefree, soul glowing, ripped chested superheroes; at least, that’s what I tell myself.  As you can probably already tell, my confidence is lower than the pits of hell mixed with having no one to talk to, that is a deadly mixture. So once someone and I mean ANY one starts to show a bit of care and empathy, I go into overdrive: dreaming up scenarios that will never happen, revealing more of myself than I always intend to, maybe if I do this, or maybe if I do that, thinking of conversations that could happen… I guess that’s the ‘weirdo/creepiness‘ bit. I’ve clinged on to someone who doesn’t actually know they’re being clinged too and I tell you this now, this takes a lot of emotional power.
I know it’s sad and I shouldn’t be like this but it can’t be helped, especially when you’ve grown up in an environment of ‘tough love’ while you’re someone who craves love being shown to them explicitly. It’s something I say that I’ll continue to work on but probably is a part of my DNA by now.

I do believe though, that social media has a part to play in all this; with people flaunting their perfect coupledom, perfect skin, perfect everything all over the ‘gram or commemorating friendship milestones on Facebook. Seeing those sets me off into the dark corridors of my vast music collection on a search for the song or songs that resonates with my feelings the most. It does make me wonder what I did different to others in order to not even have someone who I can text/talk to/call up at any time, any place, no matter the situation but I guess I’ll never know. I believe they call this person the best friend or bestie. But that’s a thought for another sleepless night.
Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

2017

Hey and Happy New Year! I hope you, reading this, have a blessed and successful new year.

So let me cut it right down to the chase and be honest, I have had this WordPress account since 2015 because I have no one to air my innermost thoughts and problems to and I desperately needed an outlet. And I still do, to be honest.

During many sleepless nights being stuck in a thinking complex, I have written up posts that are currently sitting in my drafts so I thought what a better time to actually commit to writing than the start of this fresh new year? I normally always have excuses such as I don’t have the time, I don’t own the right equipment (my laptop broke last July and I still haven’t bought a new one), I don’t have anyone to talk to in real life so WHO is going to even read my posts?, I have too much work to do (fact number one about me: I am in the final year of a Chemical Engineering BEng (Hons) degree) and various other things that I have going on in my life.

But 2017 is the time I have chosen to follow #NoMoreProcrastination2017 (I live for – what some might call cringey hashtags – so please, don’t mind me). 

This is the year I am due to graduate from university, I turn 21 this year and I have decided that I am actively going to try and stop caring less about what people think about me and what I do. Notice I said ‘try’ because I am literally my own worst critic with a side helping of indecisiveness. 

So you are hearing it here first: I am going to attempt to write at least two posts per month or perhaps more whenever I have something to get off my brain and we’ll see where I am in life by this time next year. I am weirdly excited to see where this blog takes me as I have no sense of direction for this year apart from to graduate, try to pick my YouTube channel back up and stay healthy to see my birthday and another year.

So, as I start out with no readers even if I have just two loyal readers who comment too, I’ll be extremely happy because really, this is just a form of therapy for me. Whether you’re reading this in the year 2017 or in 5 years time, please comment. I would love to hear what you have to say and your own thoughts too.

Welcome on my journey,

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo