bad luck. 

 

As the title of my blog suggests I think. A LOT. so what better place than here to spill the contents of my brain?

Right now, I am going through another one of these rough patches of mine. It’s either I have bad luck or I am just cursed. I’m starting to believe it’s the latter. I can recall a time when everything was going well for me, I had little to no worries and life was good. Apart from the fact that I was never allowed to go out but things could have been worse.

I remember the exact point when my life, through my own eyes, started to go down hill and that’s when I started college. I had left where I had attended secondary school and was made to go to an independent sixth form basically because my father had seen the previous Oxbridge students this sixth form college had produced and thought it would make one out of me. Honestly, I do regret leaving my secondary school but hey, the way it works in my household, I had no say. Although my younger siblings are breaking these boundaries as I look on thinking I could never do the things they get away with or say the things they say sometimes.

But boy, I did nothing but struggle in college. 5 AS Levels which was probably a big mistake in hindsight, no social life whatsoever, no one to properly talk to because when I tried they didn’t really understand along with the social pressure of trying to fit in. All these among other things all added up to the beginning of feeling depressed. Like why me? I know my life is nowhere near as bad as some but it still sucks, you know?

Then today, it’s like the closer I get to  finishing this degree, the worse it gets. The bad luck is just flowing in surplus. I had been moping about all day, stress eating my way through junk food and people tried to help but it just didn’t work. I start to think if it’s because I complain too much of the situation I’m in as if I am ungrateful when there are people doing the exact same course and they’re just getting on with it. Or is it something else?

I’ve realised that I go through a cycle where there is always a trigger. It’s either something happens to me, I listen to a song that reminds me of something or someone innocently says something which sets me back off into dark territory.  I then log out of my social media accounts or delete the apps (all except WordPress, of course) from my phone and just use that time to think. Then just when I seem to come out of it, I’m hit with anther trigger. I will laugh, joke and smile as much as the next man even though I’m dying inside. I want to be wholly happy but the way life is panning out…pfft.

I’m just praying that this is a phase that I will come out of because its actually grim. I know I’m not meant to be or think like this, it’s just not ME. If anyone has any advice to help break out of this, I’d love that. You can leave it in the comments below and that’s where this thought ends.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

 

Two posts in two days, well dang girl. Do yo’ thang 😂 *wipes forehead*

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Valentine’s Day 2017

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day and to be honest, it sucked. Like it always does. I love Love but Love doesn’t seem to love me lol. It’s the sad truth.

The conclusion I have come to is that some people are just meant to be forever alone so that the love energy in the world is level. Even though I told myself to stay away from social media as much as I could yesterday, the few times I scrolled through Instagram there were a HEAP LOAD of posts about self love and how we need to love ourselves first before anyone can love us which was obviously directed at us singletons in an attempt to make us feel better.

But what I don’t understand is how do I come to or how to get to this state of ‘self-love’. You can read plenty of self love books and still not love yourself. You could go to self love seminars and come out loving yourself just for that day and then you’re back at square one the next day. I know many will say that you have to make the conscious decision to love yourself but it’s hard and that’s me speaking for myself here. Maybe others can make that decision and put it into action straight away but I can’t. I feel like it is because I have known this feeling for far too long that it is basically a part of me and so I am used to it. It’s probably going to take me A LOT to come out of this feeling but who knows maybe this time next year it’ll be different *says me to myself every Valentine’s Day* haha.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

go best friend! that’s my best friend!

So my last post was a bit meh and although I have loads of days where I feel meh, I do actually have a few good days, even if they are few and far in between…

But tonight I want to talk about friends, best friends or my lack of thereof. I do not have a best friend and it is something that weighs on my mind VERY heavily that it sucks, so bad that it feels like nobody cares. I know that we were born alone so we die alone, trust no one, la di dah di dah but it actually SUCKS!

It sucks not having someone to talk to, it sucks not having someone who I can share life experiences and goals with, it sucks not having someone who you can be your complete self around, it sucks not having someone who you can call at 1AM to talk about absolutely nothing with or text with a guaranteed reply within the next 24 hours. I know everyone is human and has their own lives so this makes me sound selfish but damn, a girl can dream. Right?

I am a strong believer in ‘I’ve gotta see it to believe it’. It’s all good throwing a couple of words around but if you don’t pull through, then what’s the point? Someone will tell me that they’re here for me, whenever I need them but are you really tho? (shoot, if they were I probably wouldn’t have started this blog). I am quite a literal person when it comes to certain things, especially that phrase of ‘I’m here for you’, and is it a crime to expect the same thing from someone else? If it is, please let me know because I’ll need to change a few, okay maybe a lot, of things. And of course, I’m not expecting to dump my psychological mess on someone and that’s it, I could go to a therapist for that but I’m a great listener and would be honoured if someone felt I was good enough to listen to them.

I am probably a fantasist, dreamer, naive whatever you want to label it as but as I said in my last post, once you show me a little bit of care or empathy I will most likely pour out whatever is bothering me at that time to you but I always end up with the same results – nobody. But maybe that’s my fault, I keep letting people in and expecting a specific response from them. Maybe I need to lower my expectations but that is way easier said than done.

I just seem to go through the same cycle with people and each time I tell myself to never open up to anyone again until I am sure that I can. But a countless number of people later, here I am wondering why I even bother. It would have been safer and better keeping my problem(s) within my tangled web of thoughts. Although now, I am not going to lie, I have toughened up a bit through these experiences and I promise before you and me, not to waste my time trying to force a friendship with someone until they show that I can trust in them. Until then, it’ll just be me and these blog pages.

Have a blessed day and see you on the next post.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo


Hey, how you doing? I would love to hear about your experiences with friends and even if you have one of these God sent best friends, I promise that I won’t get jealous lol. Leave a comment below, I don’t bite 🙂