it’s the little things.

hey, it’s me again. Hope everyone’s good in your hood. So this early morning, the thought that has been circulating my mind lately is ‘the little things’.

By little things, I mean the small details that are overlooked by most, the good morning/night texts, the checking up on you calls, forehead kisses, noticing that I changed my hairstyle, nails are done, skin glowing, letting me know when I have lipstick on my teeth, remembering my favourite sweets, the hugs and the hand squeezes… okay, maybe I watch too many movies but that shouldn’t be an excuse even though I feel like it has become one in today’s day and age. It definitely exists out there and I know it’s real but rare. To me anyways. It doesn’t even have to be of the romantic sort,  even people you call your ‘friends’. When you feel like no one cares, trust me when I say it’s the worst feeling.

The thought that led to this ‘it’s the little things’ thought is that I’ve noticed a reoccurring cycle that I have been going through with people and it goes something like this… I’ll get really close to someone, spill most of my insides so I practically only have my pancreas left, my inner thoughts, my past, current problems then things are alright for a while and I finally think I have found that person who I can trust but nope. I don’t know what happens and then we just naturally drift apart. I don’t know if it’s me or what but it’s happened enough times for me to now notice it. Like, am I that small to be forgotten so easily? Did I really mean that much to them? I know life happens and people drift apart, that’s normal but nuh uh. I believe that I’ve past that ‘normal’ stage. Again, I’m led down another spiral of stairs into thinking whether I’m just that boring, naive of life that no one bothers to keep in contact. Even though I’m someone who has a hell of a lotta love to give, because of these circumstances I’ve been forced to learn how to be content with me, myself and I. It’s still a work in progress but I’ll get there. 

The most recent person who I got close to, had actually been so different. It wasn’t just me spilling tea everywhere, they were too. They would check up on me and everything and it actually felt so good in a heart warming kind of way. So I thought, oh okay…this MIGHT actually be someone who genuinely cares but I was still cautious because Mama didn’t raise no fool. Then something happened as per, and here I am, stranded again.

Bottom line is: humans are complicated.

I ain’t blessed with ‘universally good looks’ so money isn’t and can’t be my objective. Just to find a simple somebody who I can talk to, trust and provide the ‘little things’ is now the issue. Hopefully, they’re out there, hopefully.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

Book Review: “The Game – undercover in the secret society of pickup artists” by Neil Strauss

Let me be honest, I had no business reading this book but I grabbed it after listening to the #3ShotsOfTequila podcast with Marv Abbey, Tazer Black and Mr Exposed (shout out to you guys!).

Not going to lie, but with my near non-existent history with males I thought the book would give me some kind of insight into how they think (stupid, I know). But on the upside, I didn’t gain insight into that. It was a drag to finish the book but something told me to continue reading. Normally I would have dropped the book if I’m not into it by the time I hit the fifth chapter but I’m glad I pushed on because I gained insight into something else completely: the issue of mental health and state of mind.
Without giving too much of the story away, there’s an online community of these ‘pick-up artists’ who ooze confidence and can get any girl they want with ‘tried and tested’ routines. Neil Strauss now, he’s a guy that has always wanted to be ‘that guy’. He seen them, is/was friends with them and now wants to be one of them. So he travels around in pursuit of becoming a pick up artist and along the way makes friends with a lot of these pick artists; in particular an acclaimed pick up artist called Mystery who has some internal issues but appears to cover them up with being a pick up artist.

So back to the point I was trying to make, those who smile are not always the ones that are happy. Same here as those who put across these big egotistical characters are not always what they seem.

Depression is real.

LONELINESS is real.

Being depressed is not just slit wrists and sad letters. It may just be that they feel alone, worthless, that no one cares and just need someone to send them a text or drop a call to let them know that they care or are being thought about.

In this hard world, with all its trials and tribulations, it seems like simple friendships are slowly getting lost at a time where people need them most. So if you’re reading this and you have someone who you have been meaning to text, call, Facebook message, instagram dm… do it now. Let them know you care. It’ll only take a minute.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

happy birthday to me.

Today is my 21st birthday and I seriously only have God to thank for bringing me this far.

I didn’t have the obligatory ‘2’ and ‘1’ balloons or a crazy night that I won’t remember (even though I wish I had, lol) but I thank God all the same.

I look back on the years of my life and I wish so much was different but hey, I can’t do anything about that but look to the  future. I hope in 21 more years of my life I can look back and say that this is when my life truly began, feeling a release from all that I feel tied down to; physically and mentally.

I pray that God continues to guide me, provide the mental strength I need for whatever is forthcoming in my life, good health, love and success into whatever I venture into.

Amen.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo


p.s. I just found out my final exam of my final year is on the 9th June 2017 🎉 I’m so excited but scared at the same time. For the first time in over 17 years, no more education = no more structured life.

Valentine’s Day 2017

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day and to be honest, it sucked. Like it always does. I love Love but Love doesn’t seem to love me lol. It’s the sad truth.

The conclusion I have come to is that some people are just meant to be forever alone so that the love energy in the world is level. Even though I told myself to stay away from social media as much as I could yesterday, the few times I scrolled through Instagram there were a HEAP LOAD of posts about self love and how we need to love ourselves first before anyone can love us which was obviously directed at us singletons in an attempt to make us feel better.

But what I don’t understand is how do I come to or how to get to this state of ‘self-love’. You can read plenty of self love books and still not love yourself. You could go to self love seminars and come out loving yourself just for that day and then you’re back at square one the next day. I know many will say that you have to make the conscious decision to love yourself but it’s hard and that’s me speaking for myself here. Maybe others can make that decision and put it into action straight away but I can’t. I feel like it is because I have known this feeling for far too long that it is basically a part of me and so I am used to it. It’s probably going to take me A LOT to come out of this feeling but who knows maybe this time next year it’ll be different *says me to myself every Valentine’s Day* haha.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

go best friend! that’s my best friend!

So my last post was a bit meh and although I have loads of days where I feel meh, I do actually have a few good days, even if they are few and far in between…

But tonight I want to talk about friends, best friends or my lack of thereof. I do not have a best friend and it is something that weighs on my mind VERY heavily that it sucks, so bad that it feels like nobody cares. I know that we were born alone so we die alone, trust no one, la di dah di dah but it actually SUCKS!

It sucks not having someone to talk to, it sucks not having someone who I can share life experiences and goals with, it sucks not having someone who you can be your complete self around, it sucks not having someone who you can call at 1AM to talk about absolutely nothing with or text with a guaranteed reply within the next 24 hours. I know everyone is human and has their own lives so this makes me sound selfish but damn, a girl can dream. Right?

I am a strong believer in ‘I’ve gotta see it to believe it’. It’s all good throwing a couple of words around but if you don’t pull through, then what’s the point? Someone will tell me that they’re here for me, whenever I need them but are you really tho? (shoot, if they were I probably wouldn’t have started this blog). I am quite a literal person when it comes to certain things, especially that phrase of ‘I’m here for you’, and is it a crime to expect the same thing from someone else? If it is, please let me know because I’ll need to change a few, okay maybe a lot, of things. And of course, I’m not expecting to dump my psychological mess on someone and that’s it, I could go to a therapist for that but I’m a great listener and would be honoured if someone felt I was good enough to listen to them.

I am probably a fantasist, dreamer, naive whatever you want to label it as but as I said in my last post, once you show me a little bit of care or empathy I will most likely pour out whatever is bothering me at that time to you but I always end up with the same results – nobody. But maybe that’s my fault, I keep letting people in and expecting a specific response from them. Maybe I need to lower my expectations but that is way easier said than done.

I just seem to go through the same cycle with people and each time I tell myself to never open up to anyone again until I am sure that I can. But a countless number of people later, here I am wondering why I even bother. It would have been safer and better keeping my problem(s) within my tangled web of thoughts. Although now, I am not going to lie, I have toughened up a bit through these experiences and I promise before you and me, not to waste my time trying to force a friendship with someone until they show that I can trust in them. Until then, it’ll just be me and these blog pages.

Have a blessed day and see you on the next post.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo


Hey, how you doing? I would love to hear about your experiences with friends and even if you have one of these God sent best friends, I promise that I won’t get jealous lol. Leave a comment below, I don’t bite 🙂

clinginess bordering on weirdo/creepiness.

okay, that’s a bit of a 😶 title. I know. But it’s something that I’m plagued by.

I write a diary – which is another attempt of me getting my thoughts and feelings out – on days I remember to anyways. And I decided to read back a few days and noticed I keep mentioning one person over and over again. God forbid they ever find this diary, I will actually dig myself a hole for me to crawl into and not come out of for at least six months.

I am the kind of person who needs assurance and I’m proud to admit it. Not everyone can be confident, carefree, soul glowing, ripped chested superheroes; at least, that’s what I tell myself.  As you can probably already tell, my confidence is lower than the pits of hell mixed with having no one to talk to, that is a deadly mixture. So once someone and I mean ANY one starts to show a bit of care and empathy, I go into overdrive: dreaming up scenarios that will never happen, revealing more of myself than I always intend to, maybe if I do this, or maybe if I do that, thinking of conversations that could happen… I guess that’s the ‘weirdo/creepiness‘ bit. I’ve clinged on to someone who doesn’t actually know they’re being clinged too and I tell you this now, this takes a lot of emotional power.
I know it’s sad and I shouldn’t be like this but it can’t be helped, especially when you’ve grown up in an environment of ‘tough love’ while you’re someone who craves love being shown to them explicitly. It’s something I say that I’ll continue to work on but probably is a part of my DNA by now.

I do believe though, that social media has a part to play in all this; with people flaunting their perfect coupledom, perfect skin, perfect everything all over the ‘gram or commemorating friendship milestones on Facebook. Seeing those sets me off into the dark corridors of my vast music collection on a search for the song or songs that resonates with my feelings the most. It does make me wonder what I did different to others in order to not even have someone who I can text/talk to/call up at any time, any place, no matter the situation but I guess I’ll never know. I believe they call this person the best friend or bestie. But that’s a thought for another sleepless night.
Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo