it’s the little things.

hey, it’s me again. Hope everyone’s good in your hood. So this early morning, the thought that has been circulating my mind lately is ‘the little things’.

By little things, I mean the small details that are overlooked by most, the good morning/night texts, the checking up on you calls, forehead kisses, noticing that I changed my hairstyle, nails are done, skin glowing, letting me know when I have lipstick on my teeth, remembering my favourite sweets, the hugs and the hand squeezes… okay, maybe I watch too many movies but that shouldn’t be an excuse even though I feel like it has become one in today’s day and age. It definitely exists out there and I know it’s real but rare. To me anyways. It doesn’t even have to be of the romantic sort,  even people you call your ‘friends’. When you feel like no one cares, trust me when I say it’s the worst feeling.

The thought that led to this ‘it’s the little things’ thought is that I’ve noticed a reoccurring cycle that I have been going through with people and it goes something like this… I’ll get really close to someone, spill most of my insides so I practically only have my pancreas left, my inner thoughts, my past, current problems then things are alright for a while and I finally think I have found that person who I can trust but nope. I don’t know what happens and then we just naturally drift apart. I don’t know if it’s me or what but it’s happened enough times for me to now notice it. Like, am I that small to be forgotten so easily? Did I really mean that much to them? I know life happens and people drift apart, that’s normal but nuh uh. I believe that I’ve past that ‘normal’ stage. Again, I’m led down another spiral of stairs into thinking whether I’m just that boring, naive of life that no one bothers to keep in contact. Even though I’m someone who has a hell of a lotta love to give, because of these circumstances I’ve been forced to learn how to be content with me, myself and I. It’s still a work in progress but I’ll get there. 

The most recent person who I got close to, had actually been so different. It wasn’t just me spilling tea everywhere, they were too. They would check up on me and everything and it actually felt so good in a heart warming kind of way. So I thought, oh okay…this MIGHT actually be someone who genuinely cares but I was still cautious because Mama didn’t raise no fool. Then something happened as per, and here I am, stranded again.

Bottom line is: humans are complicated.

I ain’t blessed with ‘universally good looks’ so money isn’t and can’t be my objective. Just to find a simple somebody who I can talk to, trust and provide the ‘little things’ is now the issue. Hopefully, they’re out there, hopefully.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

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bad luck. 

 

As the title of my blog suggests I think. A LOT. so what better place than here to spill the contents of my brain?

Right now, I am going through another one of these rough patches of mine. It’s either I have bad luck or I am just cursed. I’m starting to believe it’s the latter. I can recall a time when everything was going well for me, I had little to no worries and life was good. Apart from the fact that I was never allowed to go out but things could have been worse.

I remember the exact point when my life, through my own eyes, started to go down hill and that’s when I started college. I had left where I had attended secondary school and was made to go to an independent sixth form basically because my father had seen the previous Oxbridge students this sixth form college had produced and thought it would make one out of me. Honestly, I do regret leaving my secondary school but hey, the way it works in my household, I had no say. Although my younger siblings are breaking these boundaries as I look on thinking I could never do the things they get away with or say the things they say sometimes.

But boy, I did nothing but struggle in college. 5 AS Levels which was probably a big mistake in hindsight, no social life whatsoever, no one to properly talk to because when I tried they didn’t really understand along with the social pressure of trying to fit in. All these among other things all added up to the beginning of feeling depressed. Like why me? I know my life is nowhere near as bad as some but it still sucks, you know?

Then today, it’s like the closer I get to  finishing this degree, the worse it gets. The bad luck is just flowing in surplus. I had been moping about all day, stress eating my way through junk food and people tried to help but it just didn’t work. I start to think if it’s because I complain too much of the situation I’m in as if I am ungrateful when there are people doing the exact same course and they’re just getting on with it. Or is it something else?

I’ve realised that I go through a cycle where there is always a trigger. It’s either something happens to me, I listen to a song that reminds me of something or someone innocently says something which sets me back off into dark territory.  I then log out of my social media accounts or delete the apps (all except WordPress, of course) from my phone and just use that time to think. Then just when I seem to come out of it, I’m hit with anther trigger. I will laugh, joke and smile as much as the next man even though I’m dying inside. I want to be wholly happy but the way life is panning out…pfft.

I’m just praying that this is a phase that I will come out of because its actually grim. I know I’m not meant to be or think like this, it’s just not ME. If anyone has any advice to help break out of this, I’d love that. You can leave it in the comments below and that’s where this thought ends.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

 

Two posts in two days, well dang girl. Do yo’ thang 😂 *wipes forehead*

happy birthday to me.

Today is my 21st birthday and I seriously only have God to thank for bringing me this far.

I didn’t have the obligatory ‘2’ and ‘1’ balloons or a crazy night that I won’t remember (even though I wish I had, lol) but I thank God all the same.

I look back on the years of my life and I wish so much was different but hey, I can’t do anything about that but look to the  future. I hope in 21 more years of my life I can look back and say that this is when my life truly began, feeling a release from all that I feel tied down to; physically and mentally.

I pray that God continues to guide me, provide the mental strength I need for whatever is forthcoming in my life, good health, love and success into whatever I venture into.

Amen.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo


p.s. I just found out my final exam of my final year is on the 9th June 2017 🎉 I’m so excited but scared at the same time. For the first time in over 17 years, no more education = no more structured life.