Posting with a smile 

I’m writing this post with a smile on my face. Why? Because it was lovely seeing my fellow final year students come together.
On Monday the 6th February 2017, my Chemical and Process Engineering degree class came together to present posters on a specific subject. We were all given the dress code of ‘smart’ and let me tell you, it was absolutely delightful seeing my fellow students scrub up for this day, even those who come looking like scrubs to normal lectures (myself included). Seeing the men looking handsome in their suits and the FEW ladies all dolled up, it almost brought a tear to my eye, I was that happy.

Students and lecturers alike came to look at our posters and ask questions even though we were getting graded on our poster and presentation skills.

It was an eventful day and it is then that it dawned on me that I actually have less than 4 months left and I’ll be free from the shackles of education ( I’ll write about this in another post). It was a very bittersweet moment because my life has literally been a struggle and then some during this degree with the devil trying to test me but I could not let him succeed.

Anyways that’s a story for another day. I just wanted to note this happy time down while I can because God knows they don’t last forever.
Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

go best friend! that’s my best friend!

So my last post was a bit meh and although I have loads of days where I feel meh, I do actually have a few good days, even if they are few and far in between…

But tonight I want to talk about friends, best friends or my lack of thereof. I do not have a best friend and it is something that weighs on my mind VERY heavily that it sucks, so bad that it feels like nobody cares. I know that we were born alone so we die alone, trust no one, la di dah di dah but it actually SUCKS!

It sucks not having someone to talk to, it sucks not having someone who I can share life experiences and goals with, it sucks not having someone who you can be your complete self around, it sucks not having someone who you can call at 1AM to talk about absolutely nothing with or text with a guaranteed reply within the next 24 hours. I know everyone is human and has their own lives so this makes me sound selfish but damn, a girl can dream. Right?

I am a strong believer in ‘I’ve gotta see it to believe it’. It’s all good throwing a couple of words around but if you don’t pull through, then what’s the point? Someone will tell me that they’re here for me, whenever I need them but are you really tho? (shoot, if they were I probably wouldn’t have started this blog). I am quite a literal person when it comes to certain things, especially that phrase of ‘I’m here for you’, and is it a crime to expect the same thing from someone else? If it is, please let me know because I’ll need to change a few, okay maybe a lot, of things. And of course, I’m not expecting to dump my psychological mess on someone and that’s it, I could go to a therapist for that but I’m a great listener and would be honoured if someone felt I was good enough to listen to them.

I am probably a fantasist, dreamer, naive whatever you want to label it as but as I said in my last post, once you show me a little bit of care or empathy I will most likely pour out whatever is bothering me at that time to you but I always end up with the same results – nobody. But maybe that’s my fault, I keep letting people in and expecting a specific response from them. Maybe I need to lower my expectations but that is way easier said than done.

I just seem to go through the same cycle with people and each time I tell myself to never open up to anyone again until I am sure that I can. But a countless number of people later, here I am wondering why I even bother. It would have been safer and better keeping my problem(s) within my tangled web of thoughts. Although now, I am not going to lie, I have toughened up a bit through these experiences and I promise before you and me, not to waste my time trying to force a friendship with someone until they show that I can trust in them. Until then, it’ll just be me and these blog pages.

Have a blessed day and see you on the next post.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo


Hey, how you doing? I would love to hear about your experiences with friends and even if you have one of these God sent best friends, I promise that I won’t get jealous lol. Leave a comment below, I don’t bite 🙂

clinginess bordering on weirdo/creepiness.

okay, that’s a bit of a 😶 title. I know. But it’s something that I’m plagued by.

I write a diary – which is another attempt of me getting my thoughts and feelings out – on days I remember to anyways. And I decided to read back a few days and noticed I keep mentioning one person over and over again. God forbid they ever find this diary, I will actually dig myself a hole for me to crawl into and not come out of for at least six months.

I am the kind of person who needs assurance and I’m proud to admit it. Not everyone can be confident, carefree, soul glowing, ripped chested superheroes; at least, that’s what I tell myself.  As you can probably already tell, my confidence is lower than the pits of hell mixed with having no one to talk to, that is a deadly mixture. So once someone and I mean ANY one starts to show a bit of care and empathy, I go into overdrive: dreaming up scenarios that will never happen, revealing more of myself than I always intend to, maybe if I do this, or maybe if I do that, thinking of conversations that could happen… I guess that’s the ‘weirdo/creepiness‘ bit. I’ve clinged on to someone who doesn’t actually know they’re being clinged too and I tell you this now, this takes a lot of emotional power.
I know it’s sad and I shouldn’t be like this but it can’t be helped, especially when you’ve grown up in an environment of ‘tough love’ while you’re someone who craves love being shown to them explicitly. It’s something I say that I’ll continue to work on but probably is a part of my DNA by now.

I do believe though, that social media has a part to play in all this; with people flaunting their perfect coupledom, perfect skin, perfect everything all over the ‘gram or commemorating friendship milestones on Facebook. Seeing those sets me off into the dark corridors of my vast music collection on a search for the song or songs that resonates with my feelings the most. It does make me wonder what I did different to others in order to not even have someone who I can text/talk to/call up at any time, any place, no matter the situation but I guess I’ll never know. I believe they call this person the best friend or bestie. But that’s a thought for another sleepless night.
Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

2017

Hey and Happy New Year! I hope you, reading this, have a blessed and successful new year.

So let me cut it right down to the chase and be honest, I have had this WordPress account since 2015 because I have no one to air my innermost thoughts and problems to and I desperately needed an outlet. And I still do, to be honest.

During many sleepless nights being stuck in a thinking complex, I have written up posts that are currently sitting in my drafts so I thought what a better time to actually commit to writing than the start of this fresh new year? I normally always have excuses such as I don’t have the time, I don’t own the right equipment (my laptop broke last July and I still haven’t bought a new one), I don’t have anyone to talk to in real life so WHO is going to even read my posts?, I have too much work to do (fact number one about me: I am in the final year of a Chemical Engineering BEng (Hons) degree) and various other things that I have going on in my life.

But 2017 is the time I have chosen to follow #NoMoreProcrastination2017 (I live for – what some might call cringey hashtags – so please, don’t mind me). 

This is the year I am due to graduate from university, I turn 21 this year and I have decided that I am actively going to try and stop caring less about what people think about me and what I do. Notice I said ‘try’ because I am literally my own worst critic with a side helping of indecisiveness. 

So you are hearing it here first: I am going to attempt to write at least two posts per month or perhaps more whenever I have something to get off my brain and we’ll see where I am in life by this time next year. I am weirdly excited to see where this blog takes me as I have no sense of direction for this year apart from to graduate, try to pick my YouTube channel back up and stay healthy to see my birthday and another year.

So, as I start out with no readers even if I have just two loyal readers who comment too, I’ll be extremely happy because really, this is just a form of therapy for me. Whether you’re reading this in the year 2017 or in 5 years time, please comment. I would love to hear what you have to say and your own thoughts too.

Welcome on my journey,

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo