the spirit of forgetfulness.

With technology taking over our lives more and more each day, who can forget anything?  We can input important dates or events into a calendar app on our phones that’ll remind us when and where they are, we can save the coordinates of locations of places that we didn’t have enough time to explore but want to, at a later time, profile pictures are now the norm with name and numbers on most instant messaging apps so we don’t enter a real life awkward situation of forgetting names, we can even now look into our fridges and freezers straight from the supermarket aisle so we don’t double buy things we already have.

But yet somehow, we still forget stuff. Most of us now rely on technology so much that our brains are just half idle lumps of matter sitting in our skulls.

But the main reason for this post is that the spirit of forgetfulness seems to follow me everywhere. Yeah, I raise my hands up and say I don’t get my full amount of omega 3 so I forget quite a bit too. Shoot me, I’m human too but feeding off of my last post ‘it’s the little things.‘ people seem to forget me all the time. Let me give you an example.

When I was last in the US, my own uncle (through marriage, don’t know if that makes any difference though) didn’t even recognise me even though I had seen him the previous year when I travelled to the US as well and even stayed at his house for a section of my trip. Out of manners and half excitement, I ran up to him, greeted him and I got the most blank look and generic greeting back. I was searching his eyes and he really didn’t remember who I was. I was internally shocked and walked away with my sunken heart. It was about an hour into the family event, where he came back to me and said I looked completely different hence why he didn’t recognise me. He also added that he doesn’t really remember women when they change their hairstyles unless it’s his wife so I politely laughed it off with him but inside I knew I didn’t look that different and I was quite offended. That made me think back to all the times where I had to remind people of my name at interviews, events and other gatherings at least twice within half an hour.

But all this is counteracted by the few times I am remembered, like when I see my old secondary school classmates around the area in which I live and they’re the ones calling my name out for a change. It’s things like that, that make me happy again because at least I know it can’t ALL be me. I’m so used to being forgotten that it always strikes me when I hear my name on the street and I have a ‘unique’ Nigerian name so it’s never a case of mistaken identity.

Anyway I pray that I can shake this spirit of forgetfulness off of me and soon-ish too. My proper adulting period of life is coming up and networking needs to be done and for that to work, people need to remember my face at least, even if they don’t remember my name.

Any suggestions into how to become memorable are welcomed in the comments 😇. Or is it just a thing that you either have or you don’t? Be sure to let me know what you think below.

Anyways, suggestions are still welcome. Nothing too drastic though e.g. making a trip to Dr Miami and asking for a Kardashian makeover.

Stay blessed and I’ll see you in the next post.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

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it’s the little things.

hey, it’s me again. Hope everyone’s good in your hood. So this early morning, the thought that has been circulating my mind lately is ‘the little things’.

By little things, I mean the small details that are overlooked by most, the good morning/night texts, the checking up on you calls, forehead kisses, noticing that I changed my hairstyle, nails are done, skin glowing, letting me know when I have lipstick on my teeth, remembering my favourite sweets, the hugs and the hand squeezes… okay, maybe I watch too many movies but that shouldn’t be an excuse even though I feel like it has become one in today’s day and age. It definitely exists out there and I know it’s real but rare. To me anyways. It doesn’t even have to be of the romantic sort,  even people you call your ‘friends’. When you feel like no one cares, trust me when I say it’s the worst feeling.

The thought that led to this ‘it’s the little things’ thought is that I’ve noticed a reoccurring cycle that I have been going through with people and it goes something like this… I’ll get really close to someone, spill most of my insides so I practically only have my pancreas left, my inner thoughts, my past, current problems then things are alright for a while and I finally think I have found that person who I can trust but nope. I don’t know what happens and then we just naturally drift apart. I don’t know if it’s me or what but it’s happened enough times for me to now notice it. Like, am I that small to be forgotten so easily? Did I really mean that much to them? I know life happens and people drift apart, that’s normal but nuh uh. I believe that I’ve past that ‘normal’ stage. Again, I’m led down another spiral of stairs into thinking whether I’m just that boring, naive of life that no one bothers to keep in contact. Even though I’m someone who has a hell of a lotta love to give, because of these circumstances I’ve been forced to learn how to be content with me, myself and I. It’s still a work in progress but I’ll get there. 

The most recent person who I got close to, had actually been so different. It wasn’t just me spilling tea everywhere, they were too. They would check up on me and everything and it actually felt so good in a heart warming kind of way. So I thought, oh okay…this MIGHT actually be someone who genuinely cares but I was still cautious because Mama didn’t raise no fool. Then something happened as per, and here I am, stranded again.

Bottom line is: humans are complicated.

I ain’t blessed with ‘universally good looks’ so money isn’t and can’t be my objective. Just to find a simple somebody who I can talk to, trust and provide the ‘little things’ is now the issue. Hopefully, they’re out there, hopefully.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

bad luck. 

 

As the title of my blog suggests I think. A LOT. so what better place than here to spill the contents of my brain?

Right now, I am going through another one of these rough patches of mine. It’s either I have bad luck or I am just cursed. I’m starting to believe it’s the latter. I can recall a time when everything was going well for me, I had little to no worries and life was good. Apart from the fact that I was never allowed to go out but things could have been worse.

I remember the exact point when my life, through my own eyes, started to go down hill and that’s when I started college. I had left where I had attended secondary school and was made to go to an independent sixth form basically because my father had seen the previous Oxbridge students this sixth form college had produced and thought it would make one out of me. Honestly, I do regret leaving my secondary school but hey, the way it works in my household, I had no say. Although my younger siblings are breaking these boundaries as I look on thinking I could never do the things they get away with or say the things they say sometimes.

But boy, I did nothing but struggle in college. 5 AS Levels which was probably a big mistake in hindsight, no social life whatsoever, no one to properly talk to because when I tried they didn’t really understand along with the social pressure of trying to fit in. All these among other things all added up to the beginning of feeling depressed. Like why me? I know my life is nowhere near as bad as some but it still sucks, you know?

Then today, it’s like the closer I get to  finishing this degree, the worse it gets. The bad luck is just flowing in surplus. I had been moping about all day, stress eating my way through junk food and people tried to help but it just didn’t work. I start to think if it’s because I complain too much of the situation I’m in as if I am ungrateful when there are people doing the exact same course and they’re just getting on with it. Or is it something else?

I’ve realised that I go through a cycle where there is always a trigger. It’s either something happens to me, I listen to a song that reminds me of something or someone innocently says something which sets me back off into dark territory.  I then log out of my social media accounts or delete the apps (all except WordPress, of course) from my phone and just use that time to think. Then just when I seem to come out of it, I’m hit with anther trigger. I will laugh, joke and smile as much as the next man even though I’m dying inside. I want to be wholly happy but the way life is panning out…pfft.

I’m just praying that this is a phase that I will come out of because its actually grim. I know I’m not meant to be or think like this, it’s just not ME. If anyone has any advice to help break out of this, I’d love that. You can leave it in the comments below and that’s where this thought ends.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

 

Two posts in two days, well dang girl. Do yo’ thang 😂 *wipes forehead*

Book Review: “The Game – undercover in the secret society of pickup artists” by Neil Strauss

Let me be honest, I had no business reading this book but I grabbed it after listening to the #3ShotsOfTequila podcast with Marv Abbey, Tazer Black and Mr Exposed (shout out to you guys!).

Not going to lie, but with my near non-existent history with males I thought the book would give me some kind of insight into how they think (stupid, I know). But on the upside, I didn’t gain insight into that. It was a drag to finish the book but something told me to continue reading. Normally I would have dropped the book if I’m not into it by the time I hit the fifth chapter but I’m glad I pushed on because I gained insight into something else completely: the issue of mental health and state of mind.
Without giving too much of the story away, there’s an online community of these ‘pick-up artists’ who ooze confidence and can get any girl they want with ‘tried and tested’ routines. Neil Strauss now, he’s a guy that has always wanted to be ‘that guy’. He seen them, is/was friends with them and now wants to be one of them. So he travels around in pursuit of becoming a pick up artist and along the way makes friends with a lot of these pick artists; in particular an acclaimed pick up artist called Mystery who has some internal issues but appears to cover them up with being a pick up artist.

So back to the point I was trying to make, those who smile are not always the ones that are happy. Same here as those who put across these big egotistical characters are not always what they seem.

Depression is real.

LONELINESS is real.

Being depressed is not just slit wrists and sad letters. It may just be that they feel alone, worthless, that no one cares and just need someone to send them a text or drop a call to let them know that they care or are being thought about.

In this hard world, with all its trials and tribulations, it seems like simple friendships are slowly getting lost at a time where people need them most. So if you’re reading this and you have someone who you have been meaning to text, call, Facebook message, instagram dm… do it now. Let them know you care. It’ll only take a minute.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

happy birthday to me.

Today is my 21st birthday and I seriously only have God to thank for bringing me this far.

I didn’t have the obligatory ‘2’ and ‘1’ balloons or a crazy night that I won’t remember (even though I wish I had, lol) but I thank God all the same.

I look back on the years of my life and I wish so much was different but hey, I can’t do anything about that but look to the  future. I hope in 21 more years of my life I can look back and say that this is when my life truly began, feeling a release from all that I feel tied down to; physically and mentally.

I pray that God continues to guide me, provide the mental strength I need for whatever is forthcoming in my life, good health, love and success into whatever I venture into.

Amen.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo


p.s. I just found out my final exam of my final year is on the 9th June 2017 🎉 I’m so excited but scared at the same time. For the first time in over 17 years, no more education = no more structured life.

Valentine’s Day 2017

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day and to be honest, it sucked. Like it always does. I love Love but Love doesn’t seem to love me lol. It’s the sad truth.

The conclusion I have come to is that some people are just meant to be forever alone so that the love energy in the world is level. Even though I told myself to stay away from social media as much as I could yesterday, the few times I scrolled through Instagram there were a HEAP LOAD of posts about self love and how we need to love ourselves first before anyone can love us which was obviously directed at us singletons in an attempt to make us feel better.

But what I don’t understand is how do I come to or how to get to this state of ‘self-love’. You can read plenty of self love books and still not love yourself. You could go to self love seminars and come out loving yourself just for that day and then you’re back at square one the next day. I know many will say that you have to make the conscious decision to love yourself but it’s hard and that’s me speaking for myself here. Maybe others can make that decision and put it into action straight away but I can’t. I feel like it is because I have known this feeling for far too long that it is basically a part of me and so I am used to it. It’s probably going to take me A LOT to come out of this feeling but who knows maybe this time next year it’ll be different *says me to myself every Valentine’s Day* haha.

Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo

Posting with a smile 

I’m writing this post with a smile on my face. Why? Because it was lovely seeing my fellow final year students come together.
On Monday the 6th February 2017, my Chemical and Process Engineering degree class came together to present posters on a specific subject. We were all given the dress code of ‘smart’ and let me tell you, it was absolutely delightful seeing my fellow students scrub up for this day, even those who come looking like scrubs to normal lectures (myself included). Seeing the men looking handsome in their suits and the FEW ladies all dolled up, it almost brought a tear to my eye, I was that happy.

Students and lecturers alike came to look at our posters and ask questions even though we were getting graded on our poster and presentation skills.

It was an eventful day and it is then that it dawned on me that I actually have less than 4 months left and I’ll be free from the shackles of education ( I’ll write about this in another post). It was a very bittersweet moment because my life has literally been a struggle and then some during this degree with the devil trying to test me but I could not let him succeed.

Anyways that’s a story for another day. I just wanted to note this happy time down while I can because God knows they don’t last forever.
Signed,

Thoughts of a Thinkaholic xo